On this Article we provide you with detailed Info on 10 Issues French Ladies By no means Do. Ah, my petites mademoiselles. Is there… | by kelly dickinson
Ah, my little misses. Is there something so pretty as a summer season spent on the Côte d’Azur, sipping champagne — from Champagne — and consuming brie? Kissing your love on a knoll overlooking the Mediterranean, wind in your hair?
Effectively, you in all probability wouldn’t know both method, would you? You haven’t any concept what that may very well be like.
That’s as a result of this scene described is the lifetime of a Frenchwoman, and Frenchwomen lead solely completely different lives than the remainder of us. Their magnificence and elegance are admired worldwide for his or her effortlessness, their grace. And with good motive! These qualities are one thing to be emulated.
We are able to by no means really develop into Frenchwomen — they’re born, not made, and no sociologist has but discerned what circumstances have created such a uniformly elegant batch of females. (The water, perhaps?) However to your personal life, if you wish to be seen as effortlessly swish, please do consider the next eight issues that Frenchwomen by no means do, and repair deeply flawed self by not doing them, ever.
Frenchwomen don’t get fats. That is a longtime science indisputable fact that has been confirmed in tons of of double-blind peer-reviewed research. However, you would possibly wish to assume twice earlier than consuming “proper” and “exercising” to get that French silhouette. Frenchwomen don’t plan their meals or rely energy. “Frenchwomen, we don’t really feel the necessity to alter our diets,” says Lisette Chenevier, a 36-year-old designer I spoke to. “We merely eat what we want, after which we resolve, once we are accomplished, ‘okay now, I’m skinny.’ After which… pop! It’s accomplished. I by no means understood why American girls select to be fats. In France, we shut our eyes very exhausting and want to be skinny, and it simply occurs. American girls ought to strive the identical factor.”
The ladies that stroll the streets or Paris are world-renowned for his or her easy, understated type and clear strains. What most individuals don’t know is that it is a product of government-mandated necessity. The reflectance of vibrant colours is very damaging to Paris’s historic landmarks, and so they irradiate a sign that interrupts the Eiffel Tower’s 24/7 broadcast of Françoise Hardy purring straight into the ear of each French citizen. “Plus, polyesther makes our pores and skin itch,” mentioned Odette Loisel, a 22-year-old vogue pupil from Lyon. “And we’re all of us allergic to lycra.”
“Frenchwomen don’t drink,” tittered Adeline Tison, a 28-year-old vogue realtor. The mere considered a correct French lady stumbling dwelling after an evening of consuming made her snicker on the stupidity of my premise. “Interval. We go to golf equipment and we dance. We can’t maintain a cup and dance on the identical time. Holding a cup and transferring is against the law right here in Paris. And correct French girls would quite dance on the membership than drink. One time, I noticed a lady having a drink at a bar as she slowly bopped backward and forward. We immediately knew she wasn’t French. We questioned her. You understand who she was? Kate Middleton. English! Ah! Not French. It made sense. ‘You don’t belong right here, Kate Middleton,’ we mentioned. And we pushed her out the door. She was so ashamed, she instantly obtained on a airplane again to England. Ha!”
Frenchwomen love gentle, and lightweight loves Frenchwomen. It bends round them, bows to them. They’re mistresses of the morning. “No French girl in historical past has ever woken up greater than an hour after dawn,” scoffed Haute Bette, an 18-year-old vogue mannequin. “I heard Kate Middleton as soon as awoke an hour and a half after dawn. Nonsense like that’s the reason the British Empire fell.” Frenchwomen are additionally all consultants in geopolitical historical past and will by no means be questioned on their details.
Courting and hook-up tradition is as international to Frenchwomen as class and class are to American girls. “I don’t date to draw males. I don’t search for love,” mentioned 14-year-old aspiring designer Nanette Manoir. “It merely finds me. Angling for love is left. Frenchwomen merely stand elegantly like statues and look forward to an admirer. We look forward to him to indicate his affection. If he tries and fails, we crush him beneath our heels and use him as a pedestal on which to face to develop into taller, that extra males would possibly see us and method. American girls ought to strive the identical factor. Why are American girls so graceless, determined and ugly?” Why, certainly, readers?
It’s a standard however enduring fable that flawless French magnificence is the results of an aesthetic, deft, no-makeup-makeup look. However by and huge, Frenchwomen spurn make-up in any type. They select as a substitute to peel off each cubic centimetre of dermis every morning, and develop a brand new layer earlier than they step exterior to greet the day. That dewey look that their pores and skin has? It’s precise morning dew. “I’ve by no means worn the identical pores and skin greater than in the future,” says Nicole Sarkozy, a 12-year-old aspiring conservative vogue politician. “American pores and skin is crusty and outdated. I might peel it off with my fingernails, if I had the prospect. I might claw their whole fucking faces off.”
Frenchwomen by no means smile in footage as a result of Frenchwomen by no means emote in any respect. “Emoting is for the Italians,” spat Bernadette Peters, a 9-year-old aspiring designer to whom I spoke. “Italians and Italian-People and People.” Can’t argue with that!
The ladies don’t stroll by means of the streets of Paris. Strolling is effort, and energy is sweat, and sweat is for another nation. As a substitute, Frenchwomen float. Their toe-tips drift three centimetres above the cobblestones always. They’ve wings, that are invisible. These wings are nonetheless and don’t flutter, even invisibly. “I can’t converse to the character and thriller of French wings,” crooned 47-year-old Italian-born singer-songwriter Carla Bruni. “Christ, I’ve lived right here for years, and I solely simply earned mine a few years in the past. I don’t wish to fuck this up by spilling the beans, you recognize?”
French girls don’t age. Nobody is certain in the event that they die in any respect. “I haven’t aged a day in over 200 years,” says 228-year-old embalmed semi-corpse Félicité Marchand. “None of us age. I obtained in my coffin 68 years in the past, as a result of it appeared just like the time. It’s nice down right here underground, truthfully. My casket is comfy, and also you get to have some good conversations with the folks buried round you, offered you converse loudly sufficient. It’s exhausting to yell by means of that a lot dust, however not unattainable.” I requested her if she has stopped peeling off her pores and skin each morning, now that she lives underground. “Oh no,” she mentioned. “A Frenchwomen will need to have her satisfaction. Apart from, the spare, lifeless pores and skin makes nice bedding.”
It was seventeenth century French thinker René Descartes who mentioned “Do, or don’t. There isn’t any strive.” René Descartes was a good looking, elegant Frenchwoman who lived by these ideas. Frenchwomen don’t attempt to do something. They don’t attempt to look good or attempt to please anybody. They don’t attempt to stroll. They merely float by means of life, as on their backs down the river. They merely transfer with the tides, and the tides carry them to perfection, the place they stay endlessly within the solar, which loves them. Scrumptious fruits and pastries fall from the bushes into their mouths, till they effortlessly fail to die.
In that method, attempting to be a Frenchwoman is a idiot’s errand. You’ll by no means be like one if you’re attempting. We’ll by no means do it. We’ll by no means make it. My fellow unFrenchwomen: allow us to lie in our personal sweat and filth, just like the disgusting, sweaty, old-skinned, polyester-swathed animals we’re.
This satire — for the love of god, SATIRE — of the blogosphere’s fetishization of French girls and lifestlyes and French womens’ existence—jeez — initially ran on Thought Catalog.